To continue the discovery of our true selves, we have to consider the strongest support of sin that might enter our lives: the ego. It is a twisted reality ... almost a person entirely to itself! It is a word most would associate with someone who continually speaks about her/himself. Eckart Tolle (A New Earth) a "me and my story" experience (p 60). He further points out that down deep all egos are the same: they survive on "identification and separation."
What does this mean on a spiritual journey? The separation just mentioned deals with how I feel about others --- those moments when I believe I am in one way or another better than another human being. Subconsciously the ego makes the other person an "enemy." So, consider these words of the Jesus with whom we want to be one. Why do you see the speck in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye" (Luke 6:41 - RSV). Is this Jesus teaching the disciples how to live without continuous fault finding -- a great energy source for the ego? Is it really nothing less than the habit of the gossiper -- a great one for downing another to raise up one's own image? My questions, yes, and possibly yours. Jesus, however, does not answer his own question, leaving the hearers to journey more deeply into their own selves.
Today you come to this reflection with some understanding of what your inner voice is seeking. Whether mindful or not, you bring to your prayer an agenda, a personal feeling of need --- almost every time. Yet the surprise that can either bring deep happiness or fright is that so often personal expectations differ from that soft, quiet voice God is using.
So, one aspect of Mulholland's presentation in The Deeper Journey of what he calls the "false self" is that the journey of trying to live as Jesus lived is actually breaking open the acorn we might call our ego to see, to understand, to admit our specific fault or weakness. Then growth in the spiritual life will happen only when a person claims ownership of the real self. Mulholland quotes a penetrating remark of a wise instructor: "Repentance is not being sorry for the things you have done, but being sorry that you are the kind of person that does such things" (p 23). A gem such as the thought in these words professes can come only from the heart and mind that recognizes a personal agenda that can be the cause of ego struggling. As long as we fail to claim ownership of this kind of self, we will never ring about a true freedom for the self struggling to be at peace and union with God.
Blessed Jesus, living Bread
By your self our selves are fed.
Give us all the eyes to see
All that you were sent to be.
(Magnificat, Evening Prayer, April 4th)
